finally!

So I had a looong ass stretch between shots. I had to get blood work done so that my doctor could renew my prescription, but as is pretty evident, I am hella busy these days, so it took me a good week and a half to get into the lab to get my blood drawn. So, I finally (after three weeks !!!!!) got my shot in, and boy do I feel twenty times better. I didn’t even realise how crummy I was feeling until Monday night when I was walking across a bridge up on campus thinking “Don’t jump, don’t jump.”

The effects T have had on my mood are kind of extraordinary. I mean, I guess I knew that mood swings were a possibility, but I never expected them to be so violent. And when I’m actually on T, in a regular pattern, they don’t happen. But as soon as I go off it for more than a couple days… I’m pretty good at internalising mood swings and mood disorder-ish types of things, so none of my friends bear the brunt of the craziness going on in my head, but I do have to withdraw and sit in my bed and watch Mad Men or something to distract myself from the randomass mood swings. Alas.

But that should all be in the past now— I have new needles, which are only an inch long and are super skinny. The shots take extra long to do now, but it’s so worth it because it’s twenty times less painful than with the larger gauge, longer needles. For those of you who have never self-injected testosterone, it’s super goopy stuff, very viscous. It takes a long time to do a shot, even with a larger gauge needle, because it’s so thick. So, with a smaller needle it can take a while to do a shot. Which is no fun, but at least it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I was so irregular on my shots for a long time because I was dreading the pain of doing the shot, and now that it’s no longer an issue… Hopefully I’ll be more regular now.

Life is busy, busy, busy. I took a bit too much on this quarter, and am definitely feeling the burn. I’m not doing super well in classes (in fact, the worst I’ve done ever) but my personal life is improving daily, and I’m recommitting to my school work with ferocity. I got the classes I wanted for next quarter, so hopefully things are on the up and up.

Filed under: transition , ch-ch-changes, hormones, testosterone, transition

acne! and the usual double standard.

When I went through puberty for the first time around the age of 12 (or 13) I had acne. It was pretty gross, but not particularly gnarly. It was obvious, and painful, and humiliating. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as the pustule fest that now festoons my face.

I take comfort in things such as Julie Blair’s Youtube video, “YOU’VE GOT ZITS! Acne Advice for Trans Guys and Everybody!” I actually use one of the products she mentions in the video, because it actually works (St Ives Aprict Scrub if you wish to know).

But the fact of the matter is: I have a pizza face. I have white heads, black heads, CYSTIC ACNE (GAH); in short, I look like a fourteen year old boy. Agreed, I have too many piercings (and now a tattoo) so I can’t order off the children’s menu at restaurants…

Anyhow, I remember in junior high and high school being completely petrified that someone would notice my fucking awful zits. It was the bane of my existence. My mother talked about my acne frequently and with a disparaging tone, as if there was something more I could do about it.

This time around no one has said a single thing about my acne. Nobody. Perhaps it’s because I’m older? I think not. I think that in general, girls are not allowed to have shitty acne. Guys, who seem to have worse acne, can get away with more. Of course, acne in excess is universally derided, but I’ve seen some boys with hardcore cystic acne and societally-deemed attractive girlfriends… Huh.

Filed under: body , body image, ch-ch-changes, hormones, rants, testosterone

people are fucked up.

What a great way to start out a day… This is excerpted from a conversation I just finished with someone.

me: seriously! don’t know how to take a joke haha

well, i guess it depends on the joke. like, i’ve heard people say “you just dont know how to take a joke” when I call them out on racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc, bullshit.

and i think that’s a little different. i also don’t really make jokes relatiing to that stuff

b———: i’m of the opinion that everyone deserves to be made fun of somewhat.. because people are goofy creatures
i believe in equal opportunity making-fun
especially of friends lol

me: yeah, i don’t really think that making fun of stuff people can’t help really works but to each his own

b———: haha i really love it when people do things that they are stereotyped for… like black people and fried chicken.. always makes me laugh because it’s pretty much true… but then again, fried chicken is the shizzle

me: it’s true about black people and fried chicken?
you’re fucking kidding right?

b———: hah around here it is

me: …………
wow.
uhm that’s a pretty fucked up thing to say. like, really.

b———: shrug meh, maybe it is.. but as for the people i’ve met, i’ve found it to be a fairly true statement

me: wow. okay, i’m going to go now.
bye.

I’m sorry I even said “bye” to the douche. Blocking that motherfucker.

Filed under: rants , atrocities, racist bullshit, stupid commenters

amendment on my policies for the word “tranny”

What I’ve been thinking lately:

I’ve been hearing “tranny” a lot in mainstream discourse lately, especially in so-called “satire” and “comedy.” This word is always directed at trans women and has a degree of trans misogyny that I find alarming and disgusting.

I know that I have previously used this word as an identity and as a way of reclaimation, but I realise now that while this technically could be considered my word to “reclaim,” “tranny” is almost ALWAYS used as a way to degrade and dehumanise trans women, and I don’t find that acceptable in any way. So, I’m going to do my best to eliminate this word from my vocabulary outside of reference to myself, and even then, I’m not going to use it lightly or in a context outside of discussions around gender identity.

I know previously I’ve been supportive of trans men using the word “tranny” to describe themselves, and while I still support any person’s chosen identity I want to caution people against using it lightly, or in jest, or in any way to describe someone other than themselves.

“Tranny” is most commonly used as a slur against trans women, so it’s important that that word is reclaimed by THEM, and not by others. Just as “faggot” and “dyke” have been reclaimed by those who identify that way, it is important not to co-opt others reclaimation.

Again, this is all MY opinion. Feel free to do as you wish, but remember to think about what you’re saying (and all of its implications) before you say it. My two cents.

Filed under: transgender, truths , misogyny, objectification of women, random, rants, words

nothing much.

So, there’s nothing much going on in my life right now. Oh wait, what a lie. I’m really fucking busy. I spent the entire summer being not busy and now I’m overly-busy. I suppose I’m compensating for the incredible amount of BORING that this summer was by signing up for every activity possible.

I’m volunteering at the campus queer center resource centre in their library, I’m running the local FTM peer support group, I’m also doing administrative stuff for the campus gender group, and working 9+ hours a week… On top of all that, my art class has 9+ hours of work outside of class (which is already a good 6 hours). And I’m pretty sure my oceanography class already hates me, in spite of the fact that I love the material. Le sigh. Needless to say, things are pretty hectic and sort of awfully busy right now. But I’m enjoying it, sort of. I think I would be able to enjoy things better if my sleeping was better.

I’ve always been an insomniac, but that hasn’t been the problem lately. Mostly I’ve been waking up three or four times a night for no reason and waking up completely exhausted and wiped. Doctore says that it could be sleep apnea, which is usually a problem for obese people. Basically it’s that you choke in your sleep because of weight on your chest or asthma or something. It’s apparently a problem for some trans guys because of the thickening of their vocal chords. So, I have to do a home sleep test where they attach little nodes to your head and then make you sleep and it records your sleep cycle, when you wake up, and what not.

I’m also getting some hearing tests done because I’ve had extensive hearing loss over the ears and now basically just lip read in lecture, even when they’re microphoned. All fun and dandy. Not really. I’m hoping if I get a proper diagnosis with hearing loss I can access the Disability Resource Centre for lectures and whatnot. That would make things soooo much easier for me. Unfortunately, it takes some time to see these specialists, and time is something I lack lately. Oh well, I’ll just have to make it work.

Transition is coming along well. I’m not so good with remembering to take my shots on time, to be honest. I tend to forget for days. Like, I was supposed to do it yesterday but was kind of lazy and didn’t get around to it. I pass as male consistently now (not all the time, but often enough that I’m going to say “consistently” haha) and it’s really nice. Kind of a surprise at times, to be honest, but it’s nice.

I’ve pretty much decided that I’m genderqueer, and that I want to be seen as male, but I know that I’m not all male, and not all female, something in between, probably leaning towards male, but not all the way. Obviously. And I’m still a tranny fag, somewhere on the transmasculine spectrum, etc. Still haven’t figured out my sexuality, much to my chagrin, it’s still a big question mark. I’m shying away from labels these days anyway, but it would still be nice to fill out the blank parts of my life.

More later, I guess! xox

Filed under: Uncategorized , life

Where in the world is Julian?

Julian is going to refer to hirself in third person for this entire post!

So, I’m sure some of you have been wondering… Where is Julian? Where has ze gone? Where is hir sassy banter and wit? Where is hir obscenity and voice posts?

Julian was incognito all summer. Julian was, to put it bluntly, UNDERGOING RAPID TRANSFORMATION. I.e., transitioning! Ze was growing hair, and getting a low voice, and all those wonderful things that accompany starting testosterone. Ze has been fooling around with the internets, making new friends, and is now starting school.

So, you’re probably wondering why Julian is using gender neutral pronouns… Well, Julian likes “he,” and “him,” very much, but doesn’t think that they encompass hir gender very well. Ze likes other people to use the pronouns “he” and “him,” but likes to use gender neutral pronouns for hirself. Hence the third person post today. Ze is pretty sure ze is genderqueer or genderfluid, but doesn’t want to seem like ze is jumping on the proverbial genderqueer bandwagon. Because ze knows lots of genderqueers now and loves them very much, and is having issues with the questions: “What makes a real genderqueer? Am I a real genderqueer? Is there such thing as a ‘real’ gender anyway?” As you can see, poor Julian’s brain is farting epically from the massiveness of such questions.

Back to the real stuff. Julian now has a furry belly and a much lower voice than expected. A real voice post shall show up soon, no worries. Ze has already recorded it, but is having computer-y problems.

Ze is looking forward to regular posting! Add hir to your RSS reader so you don’t have to check back too frequently.

Love, huggles, and kisses.
Julian, wünderkid.

Filed under: Uncategorized , gender, hormones, random

The Uncaptured Orchestra

by Derrick C Brown

The chubby girl is struggling speed on roller skates.

She is alone.
She is in that crazed eye.
She imagines the neighborhood friends.

Most the poets I know are fat girls on roller skates.

Few of them are in love,
but many know how to sing
the notes of the uncaptured orchestra.

I think the composer Randy Newman is like that.
I don’t think he loves L.A.
I don’t think he loves.
I don’t think I really have a friend in him.

The friends I know
who are in love
are doing something.

Love is busy magic.

Love must be magic
‘cause when my friends fall in it
they disappear.

I drove with a woman
across the mosquito creeks of Arkansas
to figure out why that was.

Looking at each other like surgeons,
daring the other to go first
I finally asked how long
she thought it would last.

She said she it didn’t matter how long,
it just mattered that it was.

I changed the subject,
told her about the lone roller skater.
I asked if she thought she had ever been kissed.
She didn’t think so.

We held still, then

a sky flush with moon
opened up like a ballroom
and her kiss broke the spine of the night
paralyzing the moment
into our skulls,
forever.

Filed under: poem, poetry , poems by other people, poetry

When Your Friends Leave You

by Derrick C Brown

You are one of the guys I know.

That sentence used to say “greatest guys I know”
but it is much funnier and true to say
you are definitely one of the guys I know.

and

I know that when we do get around to being men,
we can hardly stomach the plate full of nails
of saying I love you.

We always add some word to make it more palatable.

I love you, you prick.

and

Don’t go.

and

You were my blood and asphalt brother
I remember being young and thinking of our current families
all cracked and desperate
like sycamores outgrowing the sidewalk.

and

Thank God you and your woman found each other.
I see joy in your stride,
the kind that critics have day-mares about.
I am filled with its step-brother
when I see you and her laughing all falsetto hyena.

and

May your journey fill your heart with wild music
and may the music of Journey
fill your mind with don’t stoppable believin’.

and

I will still see you
dancing out the alcohol, spazzy on your good foot.
I will see you falling on a hill of powder and posing
with your face in your hands for the broken camera,
I will see the kid from the dumps of Bradford Place,
the buddy who was broke and unbreakable,

I love you, you asshole.

and

What we came from is in the air and I miss you
like a son of a bitch.

Filed under: poem, poetry , poems by other people, poetry, slam poetry

on another note.

I know I said I wasn’t going to write anything until I was better, but my good friend J shared something that I thought was particularly interesting to me. I want to direct you to read this article on Unapologetically Fat called the “Fat-Health Manifesto.” It’s really direct and short, and says a lot of things that I think are applicable to the trans movement, mostly about acceptance and the author’s refusal to do things that society expects her to do. The line that stood out most to me was “I refuse to own the discomfort my body causes others.” That definitely is something I struggle with, and it was nice to hear someone articulate this. I’m a big fan of Size Acceptance and Fat-Positive movements, and it’s always cool to learn that others are writing manifestos and owning themselves.

About me right now: things suck! Things suck things suck. I guess I’ll talk about it in a few years and be like “there was this one summer where—” but right now I’m not through it, so give me a while longer. Thanks for the patience.

Filed under: Uncategorized , body image, cult of skinniness

cheer up emo kid!

Hey!

Long time no see!

I’m going crazy. Excuse me while I get my life under control. This could take a while.

The best way to keep up with me is to follow me on Twitter.

I guess the best I can say is “I’m going to be fine.” Obviously I’m not fine right now.

But the good news is I’m going to start back on Prozac soon, which hopefully will keep the crazy in the box.

And I’ll talk to you all again when the box is at the back of the closet.

love lots.

Fall Out Boy — w.a.m.s.

Filed under: Uncategorized