amendment on my policies for the word “tranny”

What I’ve been thinking lately:

I’ve been hearing “tranny” a lot in mainstream discourse lately, especially in so-called “satire” and “comedy.” This word is always directed at trans women and has a degree of trans misogyny that I find alarming and disgusting.

I know that I have previously used this word as an identity and as a way of reclaimation, but I realise now that while this technically could be considered my word to “reclaim,” “tranny” is almost ALWAYS used as a way to degrade and dehumanise trans women, and I don’t find that acceptable in any way. So, I’m going to do my best to eliminate this word from my vocabulary outside of reference to myself, and even then, I’m not going to use it lightly or in a context outside of discussions around gender identity.

I know previously I’ve been supportive of trans men using the word “tranny” to describe themselves, and while I still support any person’s chosen identity I want to caution people against using it lightly, or in jest, or in any way to describe someone other than themselves.

“Tranny” is most commonly used as a slur against trans women, so it’s important that that word is reclaimed by THEM, and not by others. Just as “faggot” and “dyke” have been reclaimed by those who identify that way, it is important not to co-opt others reclaimation.

Again, this is all MY opinion. Feel free to do as you wish, but remember to think about what you’re saying (and all of its implications) before you say it. My two cents.

Filed under: transgender, truths , misogyny, objectification of women, random, rants, words

nothing much.

So, there’s nothing much going on in my life right now. Oh wait, what a lie. I’m really fucking busy. I spent the entire summer being not busy and now I’m overly-busy. I suppose I’m compensating for the incredible amount of BORING that this summer was by signing up for every activity possible.

I’m volunteering at the campus queer center resource centre in their library, I’m running the local FTM peer support group, I’m also doing administrative stuff for the campus gender group, and working 9+ hours a week… On top of all that, my art class has 9+ hours of work outside of class (which is already a good 6 hours). And I’m pretty sure my oceanography class already hates me, in spite of the fact that I love the material. Le sigh. Needless to say, things are pretty hectic and sort of awfully busy right now. But I’m enjoying it, sort of. I think I would be able to enjoy things better if my sleeping was better.

I’ve always been an insomniac, but that hasn’t been the problem lately. Mostly I’ve been waking up three or four times a night for no reason and waking up completely exhausted and wiped. Doctore says that it could be sleep apnea, which is usually a problem for obese people. Basically it’s that you choke in your sleep because of weight on your chest or asthma or something. It’s apparently a problem for some trans guys because of the thickening of their vocal chords. So, I have to do a home sleep test where they attach little nodes to your head and then make you sleep and it records your sleep cycle, when you wake up, and what not.

I’m also getting some hearing tests done because I’ve had extensive hearing loss over the ears and now basically just lip read in lecture, even when they’re microphoned. All fun and dandy. Not really. I’m hoping if I get a proper diagnosis with hearing loss I can access the Disability Resource Centre for lectures and whatnot. That would make things soooo much easier for me. Unfortunately, it takes some time to see these specialists, and time is something I lack lately. Oh well, I’ll just have to make it work.

Transition is coming along well. I’m not so good with remembering to take my shots on time, to be honest. I tend to forget for days. Like, I was supposed to do it yesterday but was kind of lazy and didn’t get around to it. I pass as male consistently now (not all the time, but often enough that I’m going to say “consistently” haha) and it’s really nice. Kind of a surprise at times, to be honest, but it’s nice.

I’ve pretty much decided that I’m genderqueer, and that I want to be seen as male, but I know that I’m not all male, and not all female, something in between, probably leaning towards male, but not all the way. Obviously. And I’m still a tranny fag, somewhere on the transmasculine spectrum, etc. Still haven’t figured out my sexuality, much to my chagrin, it’s still a big question mark. I’m shying away from labels these days anyway, but it would still be nice to fill out the blank parts of my life.

More later, I guess! xox

Filed under: Uncategorized , life

Where in the world is Julian?

Julian is going to refer to hirself in third person for this entire post!

So, I’m sure some of you have been wondering… Where is Julian? Where has ze gone? Where is hir sassy banter and wit? Where is hir obscenity and voice posts?

Julian was incognito all summer. Julian was, to put it bluntly, UNDERGOING RAPID TRANSFORMATION. I.e., transitioning! Ze was growing hair, and getting a low voice, and all those wonderful things that accompany starting testosterone. Ze has been fooling around with the internets, making new friends, and is now starting school.

So, you’re probably wondering why Julian is using gender neutral pronouns… Well, Julian likes “he,” and “him,” very much, but doesn’t think that they encompass hir gender very well. Ze likes other people to use the pronouns “he” and “him,” but likes to use gender neutral pronouns for hirself. Hence the third person post today. Ze is pretty sure ze is genderqueer or genderfluid, but doesn’t want to seem like ze is jumping on the proverbial genderqueer bandwagon. Because ze knows lots of genderqueers now and loves them very much, and is having issues with the questions: “What makes a real genderqueer? Am I a real genderqueer? Is there such thing as a ‘real’ gender anyway?” As you can see, poor Julian’s brain is farting epically from the massiveness of such questions.

Back to the real stuff. Julian now has a furry belly and a much lower voice than expected. A real voice post shall show up soon, no worries. Ze has already recorded it, but is having computer-y problems.

Ze is looking forward to regular posting! Add hir to your RSS reader so you don’t have to check back too frequently.

Love, huggles, and kisses.
Julian, wünderkid.

Filed under: Uncategorized , gender, hormones, random

The Uncaptured Orchestra

by Derrick C Brown

The chubby girl is struggling speed on roller skates.

She is alone.
She is in that crazed eye.
She imagines the neighborhood friends.

Most the poets I know are fat girls on roller skates.

Few of them are in love,
but many know how to sing
the notes of the uncaptured orchestra.

I think the composer Randy Newman is like that.
I don’t think he loves L.A.
I don’t think he loves.
I don’t think I really have a friend in him.

The friends I know
who are in love
are doing something.

Love is busy magic.

Love must be magic
‘cause when my friends fall in it
they disappear.

I drove with a woman
across the mosquito creeks of Arkansas
to figure out why that was.

Looking at each other like surgeons,
daring the other to go first
I finally asked how long
she thought it would last.

She said she it didn’t matter how long,
it just mattered that it was.

I changed the subject,
told her about the lone roller skater.
I asked if she thought she had ever been kissed.
She didn’t think so.

We held still, then

a sky flush with moon
opened up like a ballroom
and her kiss broke the spine of the night
paralyzing the moment
into our skulls,
forever.

Filed under: poem, poetry , poems by other people, poetry

When Your Friends Leave You

by Derrick C Brown

You are one of the guys I know.

That sentence used to say “greatest guys I know”
but it is much funnier and true to say
you are definitely one of the guys I know.

and

I know that when we do get around to being men,
we can hardly stomach the plate full of nails
of saying I love you.

We always add some word to make it more palatable.

I love you, you prick.

and

Don’t go.

and

You were my blood and asphalt brother
I remember being young and thinking of our current families
all cracked and desperate
like sycamores outgrowing the sidewalk.

and

Thank God you and your woman found each other.
I see joy in your stride,
the kind that critics have day-mares about.
I am filled with its step-brother
when I see you and her laughing all falsetto hyena.

and

May your journey fill your heart with wild music
and may the music of Journey
fill your mind with don’t stoppable believin’.

and

I will still see you
dancing out the alcohol, spazzy on your good foot.
I will see you falling on a hill of powder and posing
with your face in your hands for the broken camera,
I will see the kid from the dumps of Bradford Place,
the buddy who was broke and unbreakable,

I love you, you asshole.

and

What we came from is in the air and I miss you
like a son of a bitch.

Filed under: poem, poetry , poems by other people, poetry, slam poetry

on another note.

I know I said I wasn’t going to write anything until I was better, but my good friend J shared something that I thought was particularly interesting to me. I want to direct you to read this article on Unapologetically Fat called the “Fat-Health Manifesto.” It’s really direct and short, and says a lot of things that I think are applicable to the trans movement, mostly about acceptance and the author’s refusal to do things that society expects her to do. The line that stood out most to me was “I refuse to own the discomfort my body causes others.” That definitely is something I struggle with, and it was nice to hear someone articulate this. I’m a big fan of Size Acceptance and Fat-Positive movements, and it’s always cool to learn that others are writing manifestos and owning themselves.

About me right now: things suck! Things suck things suck. I guess I’ll talk about it in a few years and be like “there was this one summer where—” but right now I’m not through it, so give me a while longer. Thanks for the patience.

Filed under: Uncategorized , body image, cult of skinniness

cheer up emo kid!

Hey!

Long time no see!

I’m going crazy. Excuse me while I get my life under control. This could take a while.

The best way to keep up with me is to follow me on Twitter.

I guess the best I can say is “I’m going to be fine.” Obviously I’m not fine right now.

But the good news is I’m going to start back on Prozac soon, which hopefully will keep the crazy in the box.

And I’ll talk to you all again when the box is at the back of the closet.

love lots.

Fall Out Boy — w.a.m.s.

Filed under: Uncategorized

some random things.

So, I totally left all my testosterone and needles in Santa Barbara. I was supposed to take my shot on Tuesday, and believe me am I feeling it hardcore. It’s pretty uncomfortable, really. My sex drive is pretty much gone, I’m exhausted, and doing my best not to be a jerk, but it’s been hard. I’ve been a bit snappy, a lot catty and sharp, and just all around snotty. It’s difficult because my sleep schedule has to be regular now, too, and I’m a total insomniac. So things are weird.

Tonight is the FTM support group summer BBQ, so I’m going to get to see a bunch of people I haven’t seen in a while, which is nice. Our moderator is moving, so we’re probably going to disband until we can find someone else to take over. I would take over but I have no moderating skills. Sad.

The other member of my band has finally written some music so he’s going to record it and send it to me so I can learn it and start writing lyrics. So, things are happening. I’m just in a funky mood and I’m not sure how much of it is the lack of T and me being emo.

Filed under: random , deppression, random

angsty pre-teen music is still relevant. oh god.

My Chemical Romance released “Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge” when I was fourteen years old, and I was really image conscious at the time. I think for a while I really wanted to be a cool emo kid, but that quickly became an oxymoron, I mean, who’s heard of a “cool” emo kid, right? And then I didn’t want to be associated with the “emo” movement at all, so I stopped dressing “emo” (even though I really liked it) and stopped listening to “emo” music (even though I really liked it) and pretty much became a hipster indie kid. When My Chemical Romance released “The Black Parade” in 2006 I was too drunk/too high to know about it. I had pretty much stopped listening to modern music, and was really drowning myself in Black Flag, and old school punk. I wasn’t interested in what MCR was doing, mostly because I had spent most of my early high school years being really ashamed that I had liked them.

Now that I’m older and I have a different perspective I’ve been able to return to the music I listened to at that age. I was surprised to find that I actually really like MCR now. And even though I remember liking them, I spent a good four years denying I’d ever liked them and making fun of G. Way and crew. I guess I was to sensitive about my own short-lived stint as an emo kid.

So I guess I should clarify a few things. I’m not an emo kid. I suppose I probably should have been. I mean, I had the whole wrist-cutting thing, and all the other stereotypes about emo kids (most of which are probably not true, but whatever), down pat. BUT I do paint my nails black and wear black eyeliner a lot. Does that make me an emo kid? Probably. Do I care? Maybe. But not enough to stop. I’m still ashamed that I like them, and I always have to preface these kinds of conversations with something like “I know I listen to shitty music, but…” And it’s true! I still think it’s colossally shitty music. But I think I’m (not so deep down) one of those people who really finds a real romanticism in death and vampires and crap like that. Not to mention, angst. God, the angst. I really really enjoy the angst.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m sorry I didn’t get to listen to this when I was younger, and trying to kill myself with all manner of nasty things, because maybe it would have helped. It certainly wouldn’t have made things worse. I mean, there’s a real message of hope in “The Black Parade,” which for all its pomp and bombastic beauty, is really a very very meaningful album. Maybe listening to this kind of stuff would have made it easier for me to come out, stop feeling like a freak. Or embrace the freakiness. I don’t know.

Um, er. That was a really embarrassingly confessional post. You’d all rather I talked about my dick. So I’ll do that next time, instead of my random emo crap. But first! a MP3

My Chemical Romance – Famous Last Words

Filed under: music, obsessions , depression, music, random

on the word “bitch”

When I started university I was rather ignorant, sort of quasi-literate, without any real basis in feminist or queer theory. So when I started working with a student org with a bunch of older students I sort of learned a fuck load of fem&queer theory in a trial by fire situation. I had a lot of my assumptions corrected, sometimes not in a particularly constructive manner. I guess I don’t like learning by being yelled at, but things stuck, so maybe it works…

One of the few things I refused to budge on is the word “bitch” (“tranny” too, but that’s another discussion all together). And I knew it made some people I knew uncomfortable when I used it, I used it anyway. In high school I went through a good three year period where I called everyone bitch, and I mean everyone (men and women pretty equally) and I think this is what I used to excuse continuing my use of the word. But now that I’ve had a long time to think about it, I don’t think “oh, but I use it for men and women alike” is a valid excuse for me anymore. For one, as I am presenting male more and more the use of the word is really not seen as reclamation anymore by most. I mean, I don’t think of myself as entirely male, but I’m sure that’s not a valid enough reason to reclaim the word “bitch” as I have reclaimed the word “fag.” I mean, I think entirely I will always think of myself as a “bitch,” but that’s not a dialogue I’m really allowed to engage in except in the internets.

When I hear the the word “bitch” in a negative connotation I feel like the word “bitch” has become synonymous with “difficult woman.” And to be honest, that makes me acutely uncomfortable. Especially since I do hang out with some straight guys, guys who are nice enough, but really don’t get that calling a woman who scolds you a “bitch” for fucking up her grocery display is completely off the mark. A woman that is irate, angry, annoyed, is not a bitch for expressing her anger. I feel the same goes for the other things one might accuse a woman of being a bitch for. I mean, I know I use “bitch” to describe a person who is catty, perhaps vindictive, a back-stabber. But because “bitch” has an inherently female implication, to call a man a “bitch” is to imply that he is like a “woman”, and apparently, being a woman is more offensive than anything in the whole world.

So I’m going to phase it out of my insult repetoire. Obviously it would be difficult to ask everyone to stop using it in reference to other people, and I have no judgement for others who choose to do so. But for me, the implications have become really large. I don’t want to be that asshole, and for me, using the word “bitch” the way I have would make me an asshole. I guess I’ll keep using it reference to myself (“I can be a bitch”), but calling someone “a bitch” is off the word chart for an indefinite period of time.

Filed under: random, thoughts , gender, random